Dear Annie: My sister and I used to be close. Not “talk every day” close, but close enough that I could call her with good news or bad news and feel like she was on my side.
Lately, I feel like I’m auditioning for approval I never get.
It started small. If I mentioned a promotion, she’d say, “Must be nice,” and then change the subject. If I talked about a family trip, she’d make a comment about money, like I’m showing off. When I share something I’m proud of, she finds the flaw. When I share something I’m worried about, she tells me I’m overreacting. If I don’t share anything, she complains that I’m distant.
The worst part is how she does it in front of other people. At a recent dinner, she laughed and said, “She always has to make everything sound perfect,” and everyone chuckled like it was a cute sister joke. I smiled because that’s what you do when you don’t want to ruin the evening, but I went home and cried in my car like I was 16 again.
I’ve tried addressing it lightly. I’ve tried being direct. She either denies it (“You’re too sensitive”) or turns it around (“I’m just being honest”). My husband says I should pull back. My mother says, “That’s just how she is,” which somehow makes me feel even more alone.
I don’t want a dramatic break. I just want my sister to stop treating me like a target.
How do I set a boundary without blowing up the family? And how do I stop letting her comments get under my skin? — Tired of Being the Punch Line
Dear Tired: I’m sorry. It hurts in a special way when the person who’s supposed to know your heart best keeps aiming right at it.
You can be compassionate without accepting cruelty. The next time she takes a swipe, try saying something simple and steady, like, “That comment stings. Please don’t talk to me like that.” Then stop engaging. Don’t try to debate or prove that you’re “not sensitive.” Just be sure to set a clear boundary.
And yes, it’s worth wondering what’s going on with her. Hurt people (SET ITAL)do(END ITAL) hurt people. If this is out of character, she may be struggling with something, feeling insecure, resentful or unhappy in ways she hasn’t admitted, and it’s leaking out as sarcasm. You can acknowledge that with kindness by saying something like, “You don’t usually talk to me this way. Is something going on?”
But here’s the important part: Her pain may explain her behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it. If she won’t change, it’s OK to step back from your relationship — not to make a point but to protect your peace.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
