Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and our intimate life has always been great. Lately, though, over the past couple of months, he’s become interested in role-playing. He loves to play the husband with a mistress, saying things like, “Don’t let my wife catch us,” or “I hope your husband doesn’t come home and find us.”
I’m wondering if it means something more and if I should be concerned. Should I be worried that he might actually have a mistress? — Freaked Out by Fantasy
Dear Freaked Out: Fantasies are often a way to explore desire without any real-life intention behind them. Pretending to cross a line doesn’t necessarily mean your husband actually wants to cross a line.
That said, your feelings matter. Fantasies should bring couples closer, not leave one partner feeling unsafe or unsettled. It’s worth a calm conversation outside the bedroom. Tell him how it’s made you feel and ask what appeals to him about it.
What matters is his response. If he listens and respects your boundaries, that’s reassuring. If he brushes off your feelings or keeps pushing, that’s a red flag to pay attention to.
Dear Annie: My daughter met a man who lived out of state, and they had a long-distance relationship for about two and a half years. They visited each other several times a year, and we all came to really like him. We were happy to see her be with someone who treated her so well.
This past May, they asked if he could move in with us. My husband and I talked about it and decided to give it a shot. This man moved in with us in June with the understanding that he needed to get a full-time job. After eight weeks doing absolutely nothing but sitting on his phone, my husband helped him secure a full-time job.
We still like him, and he’s still a very nice person, but now that we’re living together, we’re seeing a different side of him. He goes to work, but when he comes home, he does nothing. He’s constantly on his phone and waits for my daughter to fix his plate. She does all their laundry and even lays out his work clothes for him the night before.
Our other children are growing frustrated and tend to stay in their rooms to avoid the situation. He will sometimes ask if we need help after the fact, but while we’re busy, he just sits and watches. He doesn’t have a lot of common sense and seems to have lived a very sheltered life compared to how we raised our kids.
When we try to talk with both him and our daughter, it usually ends in tears or our daughter getting upset and walking away. Remember, they’re both 21. How do we handle this? — Mama on Alert
Dear Mama: What you’re seeing is a disappointing pattern, and you have every reason to be concerned. You opened your home in good faith, and it’s reasonable to expect some effort in return. As you’ve learned, how you address this matters, and it’s possible to be firm without damaging the bond you’re trying to protect.
Set clear, nonnegotiable house rules and stick to them. In your home, adults are expected to contribute, consistently and without being prompted. That isn’t mean or pointed; it’s basic respect. If your expectations aren’t met, be prepared to set a timeline for him to move out. Clarity now will save resentment later.
As for your daughter, keep the door open and model what a balanced partnership looks like. She may not hear you yet, but she’s watching. Let what she sees be that healthy relationships work best when both people show up and stay engaged.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
