Dear Annie: When my husband and I retired, I imagined we’d spend more time together — relaxing, traveling, maybe picking up some hobbies. But to my surprise, he dove headfirst into a new phase of life, setting up a home office to work on electronic projects he never had time for during his career.
The problem was, I kept interrupting him without realizing it. I’d pop in with a question or ask about dinner, and he’d get frustrated, saying I broke his train of thought. It started to cause tension. Then a friend gave us a great suggestion: have him post his “working hours” on the door to his office. We did — and it worked like a charm. I knew when it was OK to check in and when he needed focus time.
This got me thinking. I recently read a letter from someone living as a guest in another couple’s home, and she was struggling to set boundaries around her own space and time. It seems like a similar situation. When you’re living with others — whether it’s a spouse or roommates or even temporary guests — doesn’t everyone benefit from a little clarity around personal time and space?
So, here’s my question: What’s a polite and effective way for someone living in someone else’s home to carve out their own time without seeming rude or ungrateful? Is it OK to set “office hours” or private time, even if you’re not technically paying rent? — Retired but Still Learning
Dear Retired: You and your husband found a smart and respectful solution, and yes, it can absolutely apply to other shared living situations.
Whether you are married, hosting a guest or the guest yourself, sharing a home works best when everyone communicates their needs clearly. Setting boundaries around personal time is not rude. It is healthy.
If someone is staying in another person’s home, it is perfectly reasonable to say, “I will be using this time for work or quiet,” and even post a friendly sign as a reminder. It is not about being ungrateful. It is about avoiding tension before it starts.
Being clear and kind helps everyone feel more comfortable and keeps relationships strong.
Dear Annie: My daughter is getting married next year at a beautiful but remote location. The venue is about a six-hour drive from where I live and also requires a ferry ride. It’s an outdoor ceremony with uneven terrain and a fair amount of walking, which makes me hesitant about inviting one of my dearest friends.
She’s my oldest and most cherished friend, and I value her deeply. However, she has some mobility challenges, and I worry that the distance, the physical demands of the location and the travel logistics might be too much for her. On top of that, I don’t want her to feel obligated to buy a gift or spend money she may not feel comfortable spending.
At the same time, I don’t want her to feel excluded or unimportant. Not inviting her feels wrong — but so does putting her in a difficult position where she might feel pressured to say yes even if it’s not practical for her.
How do I honor our friendship, show her that she matters and handle this situation with care and sensitivity? — Wanting to Be Thoughtful
Dear Wanting to Be Thoughtful: Send the invitation. Let your friend decide what she can handle. Include a brief note making it clear there’s no pressure to attend and no gift expected. If she’s as close as you say, she’ll appreciate being included and trusted to make the right choice for herself.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
