(Photo Illustration - MetroCreativeConnection - Legal-Ease - Gerald W. Townsend)

As an Elder Lawyer, my work is about helping clients age safely, avoiding institutional care if possible, without becoming a burden on their loved ones.

Sometimes this goal becomes difficult because various well-meaning family members have conflicting perspectives of how to best accomplish the goal. Let me tell you the story of such a family comprised of Homer, his wife, Aletha, and their two daughters.

Their Situation:

Homer and Aletha have shared their lives and home for decades, raising two daughters in the process. Married over 50 years, they are living by themselves at home. Homer is 93, and although in good health for his age, his hands tremble, his balance is slipping, and he isn’t as fast or strong as he once was. Aletha is 87 and battling dementia.

Homer’s Perspective:

Although Homer spent his life solving problems and managing people as a corporate executive, nothing has prepared him for the care needs of the woman he loves. Even as Aletha’s ability to make herself understood fails, her attachment to Homer remains unshakable. She is having difficulty expressing herself and loses track of faces and names, but she never forgets the sound of his voice or the warmth of his presence. Homer has vowed to keep her at home, honoring her wish and preserving the life they have built together. But, with each passing month caring for Aletha is getting harder and Homer knows he can’t do it alone.

Determined to ensure Aletha’s safety and happiness, Homer has reached out to elder care professionals to develop a plan. His plan is detailed, practical, and compassionate. It called for hiring 24-hour caregivers to provide the support Homer can no longer manage himself. Homer, trusting that their daughters share his commitment to Aletha’s well-being, has asked them to take charge of making the arrangements for his plan. The daughters have agreed to help-at least to Homer’s face.

Homer knows the risks of keeping Aletha at home. He acknowledges that a nursing home would guarantee her physical safety. But it isn’t safety that matters the most to him or to Aletha. “She may be 100% safe there,” Homer admits, “but we will both be 500% miserable.” Homer is willing to accept some risk if it means keeping Aletha happy and preserving their life together. He doesn’t understand why their daughters, who love their mother, wouldn’t explore ways to honor her wish to stay home.

The Daughters’ Perspective:

The daughters believe Aletha’s needs and safety can be better provided by a nursing home. They see their father, aging and frail, as incapable of managing Aletha’s care, even with help. So, they have quietly set aside Homer’s in-home care plan in favor of working toward putting their mother in a skilled nursing home. They see their actions as loving and practical. To them, the situation is clear-cut. Homer, as devoted as he is, is no longer capable of caring for Aletha. They see danger lurking in every shadow: What if Aletha wanders off; what if Homer collapsing under the physical demands of caregiving; what if the hired caregiver doesn’t show up?

Their solution – a nursing facility – seems logical. In their eyes professional care means peace of mind. They believe their mother should be in an environment designed to meet her needs, surrounded by trained staff who can provide her security and comfort. Their perspective is born of love, but ignores the emotional cost to Aletha and Homer. To Homer, who with Aletha had spent decades raising the girls and being good parents, the daughters’ perspective feels like a betrayal. Now, as he faced his greatest challenge, their dismissal of his in-home plan stings deeply.

Aletha’s Perspective:

For Aletha, the prospect of being moved to a nursing home is unthinkable. Despite her dementia, she manages to express her wishes clearly: “I want to stay home with Homer,” she tells her daughters repeatedly. She finds comfort in their familiar routines – morning coffee by the window, evening spent watching the sunset, and the quiet reassurance of knowing Homer is nearby.

Conclusion:

The final chapter of this drama has not occurred. Homer is sure, with help, he can care for Aletha, and preserve their life together. But will he really be able?

The daughters’ concern for their mom’s best interest is sincere and based on love, but is it necessary and at what cost to their mom and dad’s happiness?

This is not just a disagreement about logistics – it is a clash of values and perspectives. A clash many families will have to face.

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Gerald W. Townsend is a partner in the law firm of Fluharty & Townsend, Parkersburg, West Virginia, with special emphasis upon Medicaid planning to protect assets from nursing home costs. He can be reached at jtownsend@fntlawoffices.com.