Look Back: Parkersburg humor circa 1886
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(EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a reproduction of historical newspaper excerpts -- from 138 years ago -- and as such contains material that is understood to be inappropriate and outdated today).
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The following quips all came from the Saturday morning, Feb. 13, 1886, edition of The Parkersburg Sentinel.
* It is said that there are more lies said in the sentence, "I am glad to see you," than in any other six words in the English language.
* "You have a natural ability for acting, Green. What ever kept you off the stage?" "The stage manager."
* The rules of William and Mary College in 1772 forbade the students to drink anything except "cider, beer, toddy, and spirits and water."
* Young Wife -- "John, mother says she wants to be cremated." Young Husband -- "Tell her if she'll get on her things, I'll take her down this morning."
* Superintendent (to little girl) -- "Now, my dear, how can you best show your appreciation to your parents for the liberal education they have given you?" -- "By marrying rich, sir."
* A married editor remarks that the exploit of the deaf-mute lady who got a whole farm away from her lover on a false promise of marriage, shows what a woman can do if she only doesn't talk.
* "Know Jigbee?" "Of course, I do, and what's more, I know him to be a man of nerve." "Nonsense! He's as timid as a mouse. A man of nerve! Ha, ha. What in the world put that notion in your head?" "Well, sir, I heard him contradict his own wife the other day, and in public, too, at that."
* A young man who was desirous of marrying a daughter of a well-known merchant, after many attempts to broach the subject to the old gentleman, in a stuttering manner commenced, "Mr. O——, are you willing to let me have your daughter Jane?" "Of course I am" gruffly replied the old man, "and I wish you would get some other likely fellows to marry the rest of them."
* Teacher -- "What is velocity?" Bright Youth -- "Velocity is what a man puts a hot plate down with."
* "So, you have given up smoking to accommodate your wife," said Judge Pennybunker to Kosciusko Murphy. "Oh, yes; she wanted me to give it up, and I did so." "Didn't you find it pretty hard to give it up?" "Yes, I suffered a great deal during the first week, but after that I felt all right." "What did you take to allay the craving for tobacco?" "I took to smoking again. That allayed the craving right off."
* "Wasn't that Mr. Talkaway to whom you introduced me to this morning an old college chum of yours?" asked Mrs. Gusher. "Yes," replied her husband. "Then why didn't you invite him to dinner?" "I was afraid he'd come."
* "Oh, yes, Lizzie and I were made one in New York," exclaimed a newly married man to a friend on the cars. "Traveling West?" "Yes, going to Chicago," -- "Ah, going to be made two again. My congratulations."
* In Kentucky an overcoat without a flask pocket is considered a misfit.
* Every bride is beautiful, and it is a mystery where all the plain married women come from.
* It's the little things that tell -- especially little brothers and sisters.
* People who "went south for the winter" this year have found it.
* Judge Folger, while Secretary of the Treasury, decided that beans were garden seeds and subject to a duty of 20 percent. Solicitor McCue recently decided them to be a vegetable, and, as such, dutiable at 10 per cent., and now a New York judge gives it as the court's opinion that they are plants and therefore may be imported free. Our great legal lights may be very learned in some matters, but it is evident they don't know "beans."
* Mrs. Mulligan -- "And so you have no mother now?" Motherless Boy -- "No mum." Mrs. Mulligan -- "Well me boy, whenever you feel the want of a good licking come to me and I'll be a mother to you."
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Bob Enoch is president of the Wood County Historical and Preservation Society. If you have comments or questions about Look Back items, please contact him at: roberteenoch@gmail.com, or by mail at WCHPS, PO Box 565, Parkersburg, WV 26102.